You can love me or hate me. Just understand that neither one changes who I am.
Que After Dark | Personal Growth
My Life. My Lessons. My Perspective.
CONDITIONED: Apparently, My Mouth Needs Supervision
My family has a group video chat that I pop into whenever I feel like seeing what everybody has going on. And anybody who knows me knows I don’t usually enter a conversation with some sweet little greeting like, “Hello, family. How is everyone doing on this beautiful day?”
Hell no.
I’m coming in with, “Whose shit y’all talking about today?” or “What the hell y’all got going on?”
And depending on what they’re discussing, I’m probably going to have something to say about it. Especially if my mama and I get into a good conversation. I might respond, “Hell yeah, Mama! Fuck that bullshit!” because that’s genuinely how I talk when I’m comfortable, engaged, and enjoying myself.
Well, my auntie used to have something to say about that.
“GIRL, YOU CUSS TOO MUCH!”
Then my twin would jump in with, “GIRL, YOU DON’T SEE MAMA ON THIS PHONE?”
And I’m looking at these people like, “SHIT, SHE THE ONE I’M RESPONDING TO!”
Now here comes my mama, the very person everybody seems concerned about offending, chiming in with, “GUUHHHLLL SHIT! LET HER TALK HER SHIT! SHE AIN’T DISRESPECTING ME!”
And of course, that opens the door for me to remind everybody, “I’M GROWN AS FUCK! WHO GONNA WHOOP MY ASS?”
I swear, sometimes I think my family forgets that we are all fully grown people having a conversation, not children waiting to be reprimanded for saying something inappropriate at the dinner table.
But here’s what makes those exchanges so interesting to me. My auntie hears profanity and considers it excessive. My twin hears it in the presence of our mother and questions whether it’s appropriate. Meanwhile, my mama, the person being addressed, understands exactly what I mean and doesn’t interpret my words as disrespectful.
Same conversation. Same words. Three different experiences.
And none of us had to become somebody else for that to happen.
I think about how much we’re conditioned to associate certain language, behavior, and expressions with respectability. We’re taught what is acceptable, what’s considered rude, and how we’re expected to conduct ourselves around certain people. And some of those lessons serve us well.
But somewhere along the way, we can become so attached to the rules we’ve learned that we forget everybody doesn’t interpret the same behavior the same way.
My mama knows me. She understands my heart, my personality, and the way I communicate with her. She’s not confused about whether I respect her.
And my auntie doesn’t even say anything about my cussing anymore.
Probably because after all this time, it’s become quite obvious that I’m not applying for a personality adjustment.
ATTACHED: How Did My Hips End Up on Trial?
Now, let me take you from my family video chat to the line dance floor, because apparently my mouth isn’t the only part of me that causes a difference of opinion.
I love to dance. And when certain songs come on, I love rolling and swaying my hips with the music. There’s something about feeling a rhythm that makes me want to move in a particular way, and I’m not standing there analyzing every motion. I’m enjoying myself.
What’s funny is that some people absolutely love it. They know the songs, they anticipate certain moments, and they can’t wait for me to start rolling those hips. Some practically demand that I do it.
And then there are other people who think I’m being nasty.
Now, I find that shit hilarious.
Because how in the hell can I move these same hips to the same song, and one person is enjoying every second while another person is somewhere questioning my morals?
Baby, I’m dancing. How did my hips end up on trial?
And this is what I mean when I say my personality tends to be experienced in two completely different ways. What one person considers entertaining, another might consider inappropriate. What feels playful to somebody can feel excessive to somebody else.
But notice what hasn’t changed.
Me.
I haven’t become a different woman because the audience changed. I’m still enjoying the music, still moving my body, and still expressing myself in a way that feels natural.
The only thing that’s changed is the meaning somebody else has attached to what they’re watching.
And that’s something we do as human beings, whether we realize it or not. We interpret people through our own experiences, values, expectations, and beliefs about how somebody should behave.
The interesting part is that our interpretation can feel so obvious to us that we forget it’s still an interpretation.
I’ve had to recognize that in myself, too. Just because I don’t enjoy something doesn’t mean the person doing it has done anything wrong.
Sometimes I simply don’t like that shit.
And that’s perfectly fine.
DISCONNECTED: I Am Not Responsible for Everybody’s Comfort
Imagine if I decided to change the way I communicate every time somebody thought I cussed too much, or stopped moving my hips because somebody considered it inappropriate. I’d spend my entire life adjusting myself according to whoever happened to be watching.
And where would that leave me?
Probably somewhere being quiet as hell, standing completely still, and wondering why I wasn’t having any fun.
Now, I know how to conduct myself. I spent more than twenty years in corporate America. I understand professionalism, consideration, and the importance of recognizing what different environments require. I also understand that certain behaviors have consequences, and being comfortable with myself doesn’t exempt me from accountability.
But there’s a difference between being mindful of my behavior and becoming consumed with somebody else’s preferences.
That’s where I think we sometimes disconnect from ourselves.
We begin worrying so much about how our words will be received, how our bodies will be interpreted, or how our personalities might make somebody feel that we stop enjoying our own experiences.
And the exhausting part is that even after we’ve made all those adjustments, somebody still might not like us.
Well, damn. All that work for nothing.
I’ve realized I can consider somebody’s perspective without making it my personal assignment to become their preferred version of Que.
And that applies to other people, too. I don’t want anybody performing a personality just to make me comfortable. I’d rather understand who somebody genuinely is and decide whether we connect.
Because everybody doesn’t have to become part of everybody else’s circle.
AWAKENED: Maybe the Problem Was Never My Personality
The more I’ve observed these different reactions, the more fascinated I’ve become with human perception.
My mama hears me cussing and understands the affection and comfort behind my words. My auntie hears that same language and experiences something different. People can watch me enjoying a line dance and either celebrate my movement or question whether it’s appropriate.
And what’s especially interesting is that everybody involved may genuinely believe their interpretation makes perfect sense.
That’s how perception works. We don’t simply observe behavior. We give it meaning based on what we’ve experienced, what we’ve been taught, and what we believe.
Now, that doesn’t automatically make every interpretation accurate.
It simply means we experience one another through different lenses.
I think about how many misunderstandings happen because we assume our interpretation of somebody is the complete truth about who they are.
Somebody is quiet, so we assume they’re unfriendly. Somebody is outspoken, so we assume they’re arrogant. Somebody is confident, so we assume they want attention. Somebody moves their body freely, so we assign intentions they may not have at all.
And sometimes we spend so much time deciding what somebody else’s behavior means that we forget to simply let people enjoy themselves.
I’ve also learned that I don’t need to interpret every negative reaction as jealousy, intimidation, or somebody secretly being bothered by my happiness.
That’s another trap.
Sometimes somebody just doesn’t care for my personality, and I don’t need to invent an explanation that makes me feel superior to them.
Their preference doesn’t make them wrong, and their opinion doesn’t automatically make me wrong either.
That realization gave me room to stop treating every difference as something that required correction.
ALIGNED: I’m Grown as Fuck, and I’m Enjoying My Life
Here’s where I’ve landed after all the living, learning, and observing I’ve done.
I like my personality.
I like that I can laugh until my stomach hurts, have a meaningful conversation with my mama, cut up with my family, and step onto a dance floor without feeling like I need permission to enjoy the music.
I like that I’m expressive, opinionated, playful, and capable of having conversations that make people think.
And I understand that everybody isn’t going to enjoy those qualities the same way.
Some people will absolutely love being around me. Others might hear me cuss twice and decide they’ve had enough Que for one lifetime.
That’s their business.
I have my preferences, too.
But I’m not going to spend my life trying to convince somebody that I’m worth enjoying, and I damn sure don’t need to prove that my personality is better than anybody else’s.
Staying in my own lane means I get to enjoy who I am without becoming distracted by everybody else’s reactions. It also means I have enough respect for other people to allow them to be themselves without constantly measuring them against what I prefer.
And if something about my behavior genuinely needs work, I can address it. Being authentic doesn’t mean I’m always right. I’ve said things I could have delivered better, and I’ve had moments where listening would’ve served me better than talking.
I’m willing to grow.
I’m just not interested in confusing growth with shrinking.
Because when I think about my mama telling everybody to let me talk my shit, I realize something. She wasn’t giving me permission to disrespect her. She was speaking from her own understanding of our relationship.
And when I think about the people waiting for me to roll my hips during a song, I recognize that what they enjoy is the freedom and playfulness they experience through my movement.
Other people experience those moments differently.
And I’m comfortable allowing that difference to exist.
I don’t need everybody to love me. I need to be able to enjoy being me without making everybody else’s opinion my damn business.
A Little More From Que
I’ve been learning that self-acceptance and self-awareness are two very different things that work best together. I can genuinely appreciate my personality while remaining open to discovering something about myself that needs attention.
Through the five seasons of The F*ck Them Theory, I examine how conditioning influences what we believe, attachment shapes what we hold on to, disconnection reveals what no longer feels authentic, awakening changes our perspective, and alignment encourages us to live according to what we’ve learned.
And what these experiences have shown me is that sometimes people aren’t reacting to who we are as much as they’re reacting to what our behavior means to them.
That doesn’t make their experiences imaginary. But it doesn’t make their interpretations the full truth about us either.
I’m continuing to explore those perspectives through Que Writes at BlanQ Canvas. And through Que Listens, I offer a space where people can talk through their experiences without somebody immediately trying to fix them. It’s a listening experience, not therapy.
As for me, I’m going to keep laughing, learning, writing, dancing, and minding the business that actually belongs to me.
And yes, I’m probably still going to cuss.
My mama already said it’s fine.
That’s My Perspective. What’s Yours?
Have you ever experienced somebody whose personality you absolutely loved, only to discover that somebody else couldn’t stand them? Or have you ever been misunderstood because somebody interpreted your words or behavior differently than you intended?
I’m curious how often we mistake our personal preferences for universal rules about how other people should live.
Let’s talk about that shit in the comments. Give this perspective a like and share it if you’ve ever had somebody assign a meaning to your personality that had absolutely nothing to do with your intentions.
Because I’m not interested in controlling how everybody experiences me.
I’m too busy actually experiencing my own life.
Keep your spirit bright and your boundaries tight,
Protect your peace with all your might.
And if bullshit comes knocking tonight,
Yell, “FUCK THAT SHIT!! And to all a goodnight!”
Author Que 🩷
My Life. My Lessons. My Perspective.
Que After Dark | BlanQ Canvas
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